so, it’s been over a month since I blogged now, and it hasn’t been that there’s been nothing to say. we’ve had alot of experiences in the past month which could have easily been blogged about. The Wizards 7th birthday, our overnight trip to the Seattle Folklife Festival, the beginning of summer break, and the air show would have all been good ones… then there’s been the random posts that have been drifting through my mind… the evils of fluoride, my frustration at summer “homework”, functional substitutes for formula supplementing, the top foods for kids and infants, recipes, causes to get children involved with…
my excuse? well, things haven’t been going exactly smoothly in my little anarchist corner of the universe here. in just my small circle, in two months, we have had four deaths of both friends and family members; three of those very premature (one, my friend’s daughter, who didn’t even make it to one month of age.). my moms cancer battle, The Husbands struggles at school, The Wizards anxiety, The Squid learning to walk and injuring herself on everything she possibly can, our financial strain, and the cold I’ve been fighting for over two weeks now are just cherries on top. just when I think I’m starting to pull through, something else will happen and I’ll let myself get dragged back down.
…last night, we left the bedroom door open, and when The Husband awoke in the middle of night and glanced over to check on The Squid, Dita, our cat, was sleeping on top of her. he pushed the cat off and woke me up, and it took a second, but The Squid woke up with no ill effects from her close call with suffocation. …close calls are terrifying, and remind me that while we may be lucky, we are not exempt.
…I always thought, that somehow, if my children were in real danger I would know. Somehow I would just know. the fact that my daughter was in very real danger and I just slept through it, shocks me. I am eternally grateful that The Husband did wake up when he did. however, the awareness that as hard as I try, I don’t have the ability to guarantee safety for my children, or anyone else, is painful and shocking.
there are, of course, little windows of brightness here and there. The Husband and I, when we aren’t fighting, seem to be drawing closer in the face of adversity. The Squid learning to walk (at nine months!) fills her and all of us with such pride, and now that The Wizard is out of school, we can spend far more time together.
so, I cannot say that everything is shit. but my mental health currently has not lended me the ability to go quite beyond the every day tasks of just taking care of my kids. even that is a struggle. I’m trying to take my St. Johns Wart and Vit. B. daily, and sleep enough but not too much…
so, yes. I’m still here. I’ve just got to get past this depression before I can get back my drive to blog. so, I’ll be back. but it may be another minute before another parenting rant commences. I have some shit I need to come to terms with.