I know it’s been a wicked long time since updating has happened here. So, here goes the backstory:
in September of 2010, I re-acquired some suppressed memories which required significant dealing with. These memories at first shed a whole new light on my life and worldview, and then immediately buried me within a deep dark pit of cynicism. They shook me to my core, and at the same time, allowed me to connect more thoroughly with myself than I ever have. My sense of myself as a survivor, as a woman of power and strength, battles frequently with the self-loathing that I know is unjustified but cannot help but rise during flashbacks.
I gutted my impressions of myself and started over from scratch, seeking to find myself as a person who was more than just a product of a corrupt and sick environment. Every time I attempted to engage in activities I enjoyed, I found myself questioning and re-examining.
Do I still enjoy this? Do I still agree with it? From everything from political interests, to cooking. From concerts, to video games. Am I really this DIY feminist “suburban subversive” I had come to define myself as?
I find now my definitions to be less harsh, less desperate, less pleading. My perspectives have changed in several ways, I no longer feel an imminent need to change the world, though I still have the instinct to live in it as though it will change. I have accepted that even with my anarchism, I am very fond of technology, and have been enjoying touching back with that, roots I hadn’t really felt around with since I was probably about 13. I still have stances about health, though my raging fear of carcinogens and all processed food has evened out a bit.
One of the most drastic changes was that in the process of gutting things and finding myself, I gutted my relationship. The Husband was not prepared for the shocking and brutal tearing down of everything he knew about his wife, his marriage, and his home life and our marriage went on hiatus for more than six months. This, naturally, put a rapid end to my experience of housewifery. Which, along with the fact that The Husband took The Laptop, put my blogging also on hiatus. I hopped around through a few different theories of employment, no longer really wanting the stress of teaching preschool, and the frustration of not being able to school crap parents on their crap parenting. I was briefly a grill chef, and then I was a waitress at a 50’s diner and pho restraunt.
I’ve now settled quite happily into a bartending position, which, aside from the mixology, is actually not much different than teaching preschool, but a lot easier to leave behind me when I leave work. The availability of a shift shot when I get off also eases this transition.
So, now you see my quandry. If I’m no longer being a housewife, and this blog was formed to document the fascinating situation of a feminist woman finding herself in the position of being a housewife, should the blogging continue? What will I blog about? However, I am still an anarchist, and I am still quite domestic, though my domesticity has gone through some changes. I find myself being more feminine, though it’s still quite tongue in cheek. I’m still opinionated, though less fanatical, and I’m less angry.
The Husband and I are still working through our issues, though our time apart let us come much closer together, a time filled with mistakes on both sides, which forced us to admit our own humanity, our need for compromise, and our love for each other, that through all the changes, failures and growth, has not dissipated, no matter how much we tried to make it.
It’ll probably be about a month before I update again, the changes in our lives have forced us to admit we are living above our means, and we’re working on moving into town, selling our car, and trying to consolidate our possessions from a 3 bedroom apartment and large storage shed into a two bedroom loft. I am looking forward to the ease of commute, and also having a smaller area in which to be domestic, with the decreased time I have to be so. I shall update again though, just thought I’d let my small following know that I am in fact still alive and kicking.