I am so very ready for this year to be over. Though I myself have made tremendous progress in this past year, and I believe The Husband has as well, it has been excruciating. The concept I developed so many years ago of “forced evolution” has proven itself far more brutal than I realized. I am no longer trying to throw myself into the arms of the universe, unworried of scars, but they keep coming. My heart literally hurts and the losses I’ve experienced and the people I love have experienced are overwhelming.
The Husband is out of jail. He is a free man, who has served his time, and has no further probation or legal pressures hanging over his head. He was released early due to a family tragedy.
The Father-In-Law passed away. …death is something I tend to touch with kid gloves, it cuts so deep.
I hurt, and the passing of the person who I accounted to be the closest thing I have to a father has brought up some shocking things for me. The Husband, is of course, reeling. I know it weighs on him. I know he relives it over and over each day. I know because I do, and my loss isn’t even comparable to his.
The Squid, has stopped mentioning him. Stopped asking. In fact, now she sort of pointedly avoids it. I’m glad I’m in tune as I am with my kids and can see the moments when they hurt, since both of them have been hurt so much that now they push it aside. I see The Squid’s head pick up and turn to the stairs in excitement, the second she hears the squeak of the door and the sound of someone whistling. I also see it drop the second she realizes that it will not be her Pop-Pop. Then I see her start to destroy things and whine immediately after. The Wizard actually makes me a bit more worried, because he’s turned so far inward. From all the craziness he’s lived in during his short life, and the excruciation of being torn between two families, his experience of pain is so disconnected. …we all seem so disconnected from it.
It’s strange how we all don’t know how to say how badly it hurts. This family is so accustomed to pain that we choke on it. …I meant to say “choke it back”, but maybe this is more accurate. Maybe we are just choking back our tears until we cannot breathe.
…I guess this is me trying to take a breath.
R.I.P. Big Sid